The Post About Visiting Home and Managing My Expectations and My Hair
My hometown Sugar Land is a southwestern suburb of Houston, Texas.
I’m not sure what more to say about that really.
It’s not a bad place to grow up in fact my older brother and I very fortunate to grow up in a place that offers so many opportunities for a bright future. Of course when I was growing up I didn’t see it that way, I hated it when we first moved there in 2001. I had to find new friends and try to adapt to going to a school that is majority white when previously I went to a primarily black and Hispanic school. It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal but going from where everyone looks like you to going where only a handful of people do is an interesting sensation. What made it worse was that the few black people that did go there I really didn’t fit in with them and at that age I saw myself as a nonconformist so I think that I purposefully didn’t try really hard to make it work, I had the idea that I should be accepted as is. Fast forward to high school and I still didn’t really find my niche I’m bouncing from one friend group to another never really accepting or even discovering who I am. Don’t get me wrong I had friends and there are still two girls that have stuck it out with me thus far, but I just never really felt right in Sugar Land. So, 2010 I break up with my fiancé and move to Lubbock to attend Texas Tech University. I’m still discovering who I am and what I want from life I meet fantastic friends despite eccentric quirks and I really value and appreciate them, but still something didn’t click and make me feel whole, until I studied abroad my senior year spring semester of 2012. I fell in love with Seville,Spain and from then on abandoned every other ambition I had previously wanted to spend the rest of my life living in Spain and traveling. September 2013 I find my dreams finally coming true and I’m quitting my job and going for a grand adventure in Spain.
The disappointment of my experiences in Spain are too many to recount, but most of it revolved around the blatant discrimination against foreign people especially people of darker races. I suffered, all of my dreams and hopes for my life in Madrid just came crashing down around me. I felt utterly hopeless realizing there is truly no one place in the world where I belong where I won’t be judged based on my physical features.
With the help of Delia I adjusted I stop letting the harsh reality affect me and just endeavored to grow and learn more about myself as a person and to just work on being a better citizen of the world by toning down my less than savory traits. The last few months traveling Delia around Spain and to Paris along with my solo travels and the budding relationship with Carlos I finally felt okay. I felt that I wasn’t just this unadaptable Waste of space, that maybe God’s plan for me was finally coming into fruition. Then I went home.
The first weekend back in Sugar Land saw me up to my old tricks being dumb and reckless just to feel something anything, it’s like the past few months had never happened and I was back to being the awkward duckling who felt uncomfortable in her skin and did stupid shit to distract people from the utter lack of self confidence and self respect. Matter recovering from a horrible hangover made worse by regret I tried to get back on track and kept myself busy but working my ass off for a start up company called Beet Box Blend Bar in the River Oaks area. I kept myself busy with that and experimenting trying new hairstyles and hanging out with my family and friends that are a positive influence.
Managing my hair has not always been a number one priority for me, I ignored it because I hated how I had to add chemicals to get it straight to look like the American conception of what is beautiful, because I’m considered too dark if I’m being judged by that same scale of beauty or that I’m too tall or I’m not girly enough or whatever. I now take pride in my hair as I’m learning to take pride in my Haitian Nigerian culture and just take pride in being me.
My imagination of how my life should unfold still runs away with me but I’m starting to be more realistic in what my future will really hold, and just basically leaving it all in God’s hands.
The Post About Traveling in Central Europe and Playing it Cool
So as you can probably tell from my previous posts or from meeting me in person I am a highly dramatic and at times annoyingly obnoxious person with this said it’s little wonder it’s hit or miss when it comes tome making friends. While traveling for a month alone in Central Europe I couldn’t be my normal self or risk spending the entire month wondering the streets alone. So, how did I solve this problem? I simply kept my mouth shut. It sounds so easy that it’s ridiculous I never did it before, well I haven’t because me keeping an opinion to myself is like seeing a fish living out of water, it just doesn’t happen until now. I have fine tuned and perfected the art of making polite yet interesting conversation while still holding on to the fun spontaneous aspects of my dynamic and multifaceted nature. With all that being said I still haven’t been able to hold on to this new found “coolness” when I’m drunk but I’ll work on that next. It started in Budapest, Hungary where I made friends with passing strangers partying on the streets and maintained contact with them as their travels intersected mine at different times and in different cities. I continued fine tuning my personality in Zagreb, Croatia while I recovered from the out if control parties that Budapest offered. From there I kept contact with Lety as we made our way to Split, Croatia and later to Dubrovnik, Croatia at the same time. I really toned down my childlike enthusiasm for new and unique sights while in Split and by the time we reached Dubrovnik I was as mellowed out as the proverbial cool kid with glasses slouching in the back of the class. After Dubrovnik I made my way by myself to Pula, Croatia to go camping with a friend I had met almost a year earlier through Couchsurfing in Porto, Portugal. Matej and I ended up not camping because I came down with strep throat like symptoms and could barely move.i had one day in Pula where I actually felt up to doing anything so I enjoyed the clear blue water as much as I could and soaked up some sun. After that Matej and I made our to Slovenia where we had a slight hiccup at border crossing when they initial refused to accept my traveling papers. When they finally let us through I enjoyed the breathtaking views that Slovenia has to offer of crisp green mountains and picturesque views of cottages built right into the face of the mountains. A day later Consuelo whom I met in Split joined us for a few days in Slovenia and we saw the sights of Ljubljana and Lake Bled as well as climbed to see the waterfalls near Lake Bohinj. Matej put me to shame on how accommodating he was to my needs compared to how I have been with couchsurfers I have had previously. After I headed to Austria and spent a few hours in Vienna before catching my flight back to Madrid. My travels were honestly exhausting but well worth it if I’m finally cured of my “foot in mouth” syndrome I’ve suffered from all my life. I do find myself backsliding occasionally but I am still much more able to conduct myself in society then I was before.
The Post About Carlos
I’ve been trying to write a post that describes my feelings for this guy since the first week of August and every draft is so different depending on what craziness is going through my mind at the time. So I have decided to just write what I’m feeling today and leave it at that.
So how do I feel about Carlos? That’s the question that has been asked constantly (mainly by my mother) since we first moved in together. Carlos and were roommates for about eight months and during this time he was basically my go to person for all of my crazy emotions and mood swings I really don’t know how he survived it! Before I finally started making real friends in Madrid it was just me and Carlos and at first it was great just two friends hanging out, then slowly but surely he begin trying to change our friendship into something more. And me I was having none of that I wasn’t in a place in my life to think of having any serious romantic entanglements (I’m never in that place really lol I have real commitment issues but that’s another story) so I ducked and I dodged his advances, I was actually pretty mean to him, I let him see the worst side of me and yet there he was cooking for me when I was sick and overall just being there for me through all the emotional ups and downs I was going through. I think the real changing point was when he invited me to see his hometown in Asturias. While dealing with my personal struggle of meeting so many people at one time I watched how he interacted with his family and friends and I’m not sure when or why exactly but the way I saw Carlos changed. A week after we returned to Madrid we started dating (well kind of thats the best term I have for it really) and things are going at a pretty steady pace, he actually seems to be putting forth an effort to visit in Madrid now that he has moved back to the north. He tries to touch base pretty regularly which is a small miracle because this is a guy that doesn’t like texting or social media or anything so him making an effort is something. The only problem is that we have two serious differences: he’s atheist and for some reason doesn’t like the idea of reproducing. Me, I’m catholic and want a houseful of little monsters running around. I know these are things for way down the line but if things are going to end up not working out in the end shouldn’t I just end things now and go about my business? These are two very important things that people usually don’t change their minds about, I know my view point isn’t going to change so how can I expect his to?